October Writing Prompts!

Assalamualaikum and hi everyone!

Lama tak menulis because I had a bit of a writer’s block haha. This time, I found 31 Journal Prompts for October on Substack and thought, why not try my best to commit to these haha. Since it’s already 5th October, might as well start from 1st October and catch up until today.

So, let’s gooo!

October 1: What is taking up the most space in your mind lately?

— Workload. Orang kerja lain mesti menyampah kalau dengar cikgu complain banyak kerja. Tapi betul weh. Kerja cikgu ni, lagi nak hujung tahun, lagi banyak kerja ad-hoc. Lagi-lagi kalau cikgu baru. Bertubi-tubi kena buat sebab “nak kutip ilmu dan pengalaman”. Balik rumah, nak cerita pun tak boleh. Jadi cikgu ni kalau boleh kena berpaksikan redha. Penat macam mana pun, tak boleh cerita dengan orang. Nanti jadi "kurang redha". Padahal kita ni okay je nak buat. Tapi yelah, nak jugak orang dengar. Nak jugak orang layan celoteh penat kita. Haih. 

Balik rumah masih lagi buka laptop, draft kerja, fikir pasal kerja.

Kadang-kadang rasa macam... bila sebenarnya waktu kerja ni habis?

October 2: What is something you know deep down but have been reluctant to admit to yourself?

— Cemburu tengok cikgu baru dari IPG.

Kedatangannya lebih diraikan, lebih disambut, sebab mereka lepasan IPG. Oh bitternya tengok. And I know it's bad for feeling this way because it's not like salah dorang ke apa. Tapi weh dulu masa aku datang, satu poster pun tak ada. Aku ni tau-tau je muncul. It sounds petty tapi begitula. Saya rasa tidak diraikan. Masa nak bagi kerja, ingat pulak kewujudan kita :D

October 3: Write about a version of yourself you no longer recognise. What changed?

— The version of me before I started working.

I miss her, honestly. She had time. She could come home and actually rest. She could spend hours doing absolutely nothing without having a tiny voice in her head reminding her about all the things she hadn't done yet.

Now, even when I'm resting, I'm not really resting. Tengah tengok Netflix pun teringat kerja. Tengah makan pun fikir pasal esok. Nak tidur pun tiba-tiba teringat, “Eh, benda tu dah siap ke belum?”.

And somehow, I became this person who is constantly tired but still feels guilty for resting. I don't think I'm less happy now. I just think I'm... more tired.

I became an adult and apparently adulthood is just being tired all the time and pretending you're fine because everyone else is also tired. Haha.

October 4: What are you currently craving, not materially, but emotionally?

— Nak cuti tanpa sebab. Nak cuti yang tak perlu pergi klinik, bayar RM50 baru boleh cuti. Nak cuti yang tak perlu justify ke pentadbir. Nak EL saja-saja sebab penat tengok sekolah. Ha boleh ke macam tu? Haha.

Guraulah. 

I want someone to ask me, “Kau okay ke?” and actually wait for the answer. 

I want to be able to say "Tak okay” without immediately feeling like I have to explain myself or make it sound less serious. Lately ni ramai je tanya aku okay ke tak, sebab terlalu ketara ya workload atas aku tu. Tapi aku cuma boleh jawab dengan "Saya tak ada pilihan pun, kak". Boleh ke tak boleh ke, kena juga dibolehkan sebab kita kan "cikgu baru". 

I don't want advice. I don't want a solution.

I just want someone to sit next to me and say, "Okay, kau rest dulu".

October 5: What relationship in your life feels different from the way it used to? How do you feel about that change?

— A few, actually.

There are relationships that used to feel so natural. You didn't have to think about what to say, when to text, whether you're being too much, whether the other person still cares.

Now everything feels... different. Some people are still there, but the closeness isn't. And honestly, I don't know how I feel about it. Part of me misses how things used to be. Another part of me is tired of trying to bring everything back to what it was.

Ok dah tu je, done oversharing! Jumpa lagi esok (atau bila-bila aku teringat nak sambung haha). Byeeeeeee