8th October 2026.

October 8: Write about a time you chose yourself. What did it cost you, and what did it give you?

— I once had a friend whom I was really close to during degree. We started off as classmates, helping each other survive online classes and assignments. Over time, we became closer, and I genuinely thought we'd remain friends until the end of our studies. Back then, he used to tell me how lonely he felt, how he struggled to find friends and how people often left him out. 

So I told him that I'd stick around. Mana aku pergi, aku takkan leave him out. And I meant it. I made sure he had someone to talk to, someone to sit with, someone to turn to whenever he needed a friend. But funny how things work out, kan? Somewhere along the way, things changed. He became distant, our conversations grew awkward, and suddenly, I was the only one trying to keep the friendship alive.

At first, I kept wondering what I'd done wrong. I tried initiating conversations, approaching him, and pretending nothing had changed. Until someone actually asked me, "Why are you guys not close anymore?". Siaw ah, orang lain pun perasan weh masa tu. Punyalah aku ingat aku je yang overthinking.

I remember crying over it. Bukan sikit-sikit punya sedih tau. I genuinely couldn't understand how someone who had once been so close to me could suddenly act like I barely existed. I tried for almost a month before I finally stopped.

I stopped initiating conversations. Stopped trying to squeeze myself into a friendship where I clearly wasn't wanted anymore. I went on with my life, even though a part of me still wanted to know why things had turned out that way. Eventually, I did get my answer. It wasn't necessarily the answer I wanted, but at least I could stop wondering.

Looking back, choosing myself wasn't some grand moment of self-love. I didn't suddenly become wiser or stop caring overnight. I was hurt, disappointed, and honestly, a little petty about the whole thing. HAHAHA.

Sometimes, people grow apart. Sometimes, you outgrow each other. And sometimes, you're simply the only one still trying. I'm not sure if I am being a good friend to him, but at least from my side, I had done my best. If that wasn't enough for him, he is free to look for more from another friendship. I'm done beria haha.

7th October 2026.

October 7: What is something you keep saying you don’t care about that you actually care about deeply?

— I think I care more about being chosen than I would like to admit. I tell myself that I don't need anyone's validation, that I'm old enough to know my worth, that I should be okay with people loving me in whatever ways they can. I tell myself that I don't care whether people notice my efforts, whether they remember the little things about me, or whether I'm someone they would choose to keep around.

But maybe I do care. 

I want to be loved without having to prove that I'm worth loving. I want someone to stay without me having to make myself indispensable. I want to know that even on days when I have nothing to offer, when I'm not being a good friend or a good daughter or a good teacher, I'm still someone worth choosing.

(Because I'm not even on his choices, damn haha)

6th October 2026.

October 6: What do you wish people understood about you without you having to explain it?

— My silence.

In my 25 years of life, I’ve played a lot of characters. I’ve been the nerd, the class representative, the shameless flirt, the introvert among the extroverts, the pervert among the introverts — anything, you name it. Dah macam-macam karakter aku bawak sepanjang hidup ni (ceh, macam dah lama nau hidup hahahahaha).

But one thing people from every phase of my life might notice is how I go silent when I’m not okay. It doesn’t matter what it is. Something someone said, something I suddenly thought of, a random memory, or even something so small that I probably shouldn’t be upset about. If it gets to me, I go quiet.

And honestly, it’s probably even weirder when I suddenly go silent because silence and I are NOT compatible. HAHAHA. Padahal introvert tau! Tapi once dah rapat, terus bisingnya Ya Allah. Mulut tak reti berhenti.

But that’s the thing. People might see me being loud, laughing, yapping about the most random things, and assume I’m okay. Until suddenly, I’m not. And when that happens, I don’t really know how to explain myself. Sometimes, I don’t even know why I feel the way I do.

So I go silent.

I keep things to myself, sit with whatever I’m feeling, and try to sort through the mess in my head. I’m not angry at anyone, necessarily. Sometimes, I’m just upset with myself. Sometimes, it’s something someone said. Sometimes, it’s a whole lot of nothing and everything at the same time.

I guess I just wish people understood that my silence doesn’t always mean something is wrong between us. Sometimes, something is wrong with me, and I’m just trying to figure it out myself.

(Or maybe I'm just a big ahh avoidant, trying to avoid conflicts while I can, lol!)

October Writing Prompts!

Assalamualaikum and hi everyone!

Lama tak menulis because I had a bit of a writer’s block haha. This time, I found 31 Journal Prompts for October on Substack and thought, why not try my best to commit to these haha. Since it’s already 5th October, might as well start from 1st October and catch up until today.

So, let’s gooo!